From the Archives: The Shamus Anus Files

(from Issue 15; August 2001)

He’s Back and now he’s more 100% Kathy Staff free than ever or your money back!

I once used to be Charlton Heston. I wasn’t Charlton Heston for long though because it doesn’t taste as good as Nescafe and I couldn’t magic the beans at all. I have become in some regions of the country known as the next Martin Platt, a title which has become somewhat of a millstone around my collarbone. Martin it seems has been in cahorts with Gail, Sarah-Louise and the former Liverpool full-back Stig Inge Bjornebye (who now co-incidentally is the lead singer of Liverpool divas combo Atomic Kitten) and has been misinforming everyone that I drink ovly Marmite and bathe using only the oil made from Cane Dingle – NOTHING ELSE. If I ever hear anybody in the street shout these lies out to me again then I will not only become very angry but I will also perform origami with my five starfish (Demiece, Lorraine, Delroy, Steadman and Doris) and an empty tube of Cheese Ums Pringles. World War 4 – you aint seen nothing Joey Boswell.


1. In the 1972 Open, Spanish Superstar Seve Ballesteros putts at the 8th for an Albatross and out of the hole comes none other than Fleetwood Mac guru Stevie Nicks. Seve went on to win the tournament despite eating his own left ventricle.

2.Umpire Dickie Bird gives paceman Ian Botham out for 26 in the 1981 fifth test against Sri Lanka. The match is then interrupted when 1970s detective Eddie Shoestring runs onto the pitch with a Jenny Agutter in his hand. Eddie throws the Railway Children star into the air, the wicket is knocked over and Alan Lamb is given out by Bird for a duck.

3. In the 1985 World Snooker final Ray Reardon is beating Jimmy White 16-14 and just needs the pink to clinch the final frame and the World Title. The pink just won’t pot though and White goes on to win the tournament. In the post match press conference the pink owns up to being none other than Johnny Weistmuller, star of the Tarzan films, and a self proclaimed Reardon sceptic.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I am fed up of hearing about pienapples on the television, in the newspapers and from people I know. You can’t turn on the news without hearing about pineapples voting for a new leader, pineapples going into Europe and pineapples to cut spending on health and education etc etc. Maybe having citrus fruit to run the country is a necessity but why should we have it thrown into our pomegranates on a mango basis?

Let me tell you this, in my day, yes we ate Librarians now and again (on Sundays) and yes I was partial to the odd gramaphone, but in them days you could go out and leave your door unlocked without Jonathan Edwards producing a World Record leap. In the odlen days we had respect for each other, we had less crime and we also dabbed our foreheads with Olivia Newton-John.

I have to go now, but I will leave you with this final saying; It is better to have loved a bottle of paraffin than never to have lvoed some premium unleaded petrol at all…


(from Issue 15, August 2001)

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